The Open Book Podcast w Jay & Nia Floyd
Welcome to "The Open Book Podcast," where real talk meets real life. Join us, a dynamic couple with a knack for authentic and lively discussions, as we dive into the complexities of love, family, and personal growth. Each episode explores topics like marriage dynamics, financial management, health challenges, and cultural issues, all served up with a healthy dose of humor and heart. Whether you're navigating your own relationships or just love a good conversation, we're here to share, inspire, and keep it real. Tune in to join our community of listeners who are as thoughtful and curious as they are diverse.
The Open Book Podcast w Jay & Nia Floyd
Father's Day: Flashback Episode
Can the absence of a father truly shape your entire life? Join us as we reflect on the heartfelt significance of Father's Day through deeply personal stories and experiences.
This episode flashed back to 2018 when Jay invited Nia to be a guest on his podcast.
Jay begins by sharing cherished moments from a week filled with family activities, including poignant visits to family graves and intimate celebrations with his children . Together, Jay and Nia revisit their past discussions about their own fathers, revealing how these relationships have influenced their parenting and family dynamics.
Our conversation takes a nostalgic turn as we delve into fragmented childhood memories and the bittersweet experiences of growing up in blended families. We unpack the challenges of navigating relationships with absent fathers, discussing the emotional rollercoaster of frustration, love, and the necessity of setting boundaries. Through candid reflection, we explore the power of forgiveness and the emotional journey toward accepting relationships as they are. Personal anecdotes illustrate the struggle and the resilience required to maintain connections with fathers who weren't as present as desired.
We further explore the profound impact of fatherhood on adulthood and our approach to parenting. Discussing the importance of being emotionally available for our children, we share insights on self-reflection and personal growth. The conversation touches on societal expectations and the stigmas surrounding fatherhood, advocating for a cultural shift towards genuine emotional expression and connection. Through faith and self-discovery, we highlight how divine support can mend the scars left by our own upbringings, underscoring the unyielding power of human connection. Join us for this compelling episode as we navigate the intricate dynamics of fatherhood and family relationships.
What's good everybody. This is Jay from the Open Book Podcast. I know you're used to hearing my wife Nia say what's up, and it's your girl, nia. Right now she's actually at work and I'm recording this little preamble to put at the beginning of our episode. Just full transparency, man, it's been a very hectic week. We got a lot going on. We celebrated a lot for Father's Day, we were out for dinner and then we went around to some cemeteries and we're finding like we typically visit my wife's grandfather's grave. We went to look for my daughter Juliet's great-grandfather's grave and we actually found her great-great-grandfather's grave. We visited one of my cousin's grave and my stepbrother. It was really dope, really dope.
Speaker 1:We got some good exercise, walking around all those cemeteries, finding each spot. But it was a really good Father's Day. As every year, I really just want to be around my children, so it's really dope for me to have opportunity to spend the whole day with them and just pour into them right, just spend the whole day focused on family, and I got a chance to really pour into them, especially Juliette, who just turned 18 this year. So me just pouring in, you know, things that I feel like can help her through adulthood telling her things about how much I believe in her, speaking over her future, speaking prosperity and greatness into her future, telling her who she is, things that she'll need to know as she goes through life and experience challenges. She'll know what she's made of so she don't crumble. It was really super dope. Shout out to my wife for always planning everything and getting everything rolling and having the energy to get us all everywhere we need to go. Shout out to all of my kids for just being dope.
Speaker 1:But, with that said, we did not get a chance to record this week's episode, but, again, my wife being as dope as she is, she came through this morning and was like yo, do you remember? You know, a few years back on your podcast, we did an episode for Father's Day where we went deep into our relationships with our fathers. So I went into the archives and I grabbed that episode. It was from five years ago when I was doing a podcast called Jay Floyd Speaks Life and my wife was the third episode and we really sat down and we got deep. We talked about our fathers, the impact of our fathers on us. So, to my wife's point, that's a really relevant topic right now.
Speaker 1:I know a lot of y'all might have celebrated Father's Day recently. Some of y'all may have had a great one, some of y'all have, you know, may have some pain around Father's Day. So, yeah, sit back and enjoy this episode, this flashback of me and my beautiful wife Nia we was a little bit younger, just a tiny bit younger talking about our fathers Peace. This is a Father's Day episode. This is a really special one. Usually I set up these interviews with people, but this one is going to be more like a conversation. Right, I wanted to really hit the topic of fatherhood, and what better person to have with me to talk about such a big topic than the person that I'm one flesh with? You know the person who you know our experiences with our fathers would directly affect us the most, and that is my wife, dania Floyd, aka Dania Narrates. What's going on, babe?
Speaker 2:What's going on. Happy Father's Day.
Speaker 1:How you living.
Speaker 2:I'm good.
Speaker 1:How are you? I'm doing really good, man, I'm doing really good. I'm feeling great about this episode. How you feeling.
Speaker 2:I'm feeling good.
Speaker 1:You know, one of the things I wanted to do was kind of talk about a lot of the areas of fatherhood. So I thought you know one of the places where you know where, if we have a good or bad relationship with our father or whatever it is, the place where it appears the most is in the family, in the marriage. When you go off and you try to live your own life and then you try to raise your kids and be a father or be a mother, that's where that effect comes up. So I really wanted to sit down and talk about it today, babe.
Speaker 2:I think that's a great idea. All right, so let's get into this you ready, let's go.
Speaker 1:You ready to rock? Ready to rock? All right, well, let's do this. Okay, so you know, for me, one of the things I know, and I wrote down this first question because, for me, historically, sometimes big holidays give me anxiety, right. So you know it's like. What am I? What am I feeling? As you know, Father's Day comes up, the pressures of it, or you know what I might have to do for you as a daughter, as a wife of a person who is a father. What are your feelings as the day comes up?
Speaker 2:So for me it's really about celebrating you and, you know, really getting with the kids and doing what we do to make the day special for you. We call uncle just to, you know, wish him a happy Father's Day as well, and then I'll usually shoot off a text or give my dad a quick call and then that's pretty much it. So I don't really have any. I think it's exciting because we get to celebrate and, you know, really do fun things for you, um, but as far as like reaching out to other people, and you know, um, you hear a lot of people say, oh, my dad, my dad and I, people, and you know you hear a lot of people say, oh, my dad, my dad and I'm celebrating. And you know I don't have any of those types of notions or anything like that. It's just, you know my focus is more on you than anybody.
Speaker 1:Well, I got to say, for one thing I really appreciate you. I think you do a great job.
Speaker 1:I appreciate you too, you knowall y'all do some creative things sometimes. Man, listen, there's actually where we are recording right now is in our dining room and there is a uh right behind me. There's a picture of uh, the kids, and you know all three of our kids and they have I love you, dad, on their feet and you know their feet are out and it's like it was really dope how y'all did that man, it was a lot of fun it was.
Speaker 2:It was a lot of pictures, but you know, we just I just really kind of let them do what they wanted to do. It was more so than focusing. Just make sure your feet stay where I put them. Everywhere else can do, you can do whatever you want to do, but just keep your feet right where they are faces and everything got some really good shots hey, you know that that's a really good age.
Speaker 1:You know the ages where they were was still young enough where, like you said, it was goofy, everybody played their part and had fun. I love that kind of stuff, so I really appreciate you and the fact that you do that kind of thing, you know know Anytime.
Speaker 1:So let's go back to the beginning. I know you touched on a few things already, but let's go back in our history. Right, let's talk about the ancestors you know, back to Africa. Now we can't go back to Africa. Although we did get our ancestry thing going on, we still don't got enough info to go back there.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:Let's talk about our grandfathers. You know everybody. To go back there. No, let's talk about our grandfathers. You know everybody, you know, you know, in the line biologically we got two of them, but do we know them? You know, I know like for me, my mom's father was out of the picture, like she only met him one time in her life and that was way before I was born. Uh, my dad's father, uh, he happened to die almost exactly a year before I was born. He passed away, so I didn't really get to see any of my grandfathers, but that would have been a good place to kind of start seeing what his fatherhood looked like. Yeah, well, what was your experience with grandfathers?
Speaker 2:Well, both of my mom's parents died when she was younger, so no experience there. And then my dad's parents. My mom and my dad divorced when I was I don't know, I was probably about eight or nine when they separated, when I was seven, so I don't have a lot of memories of them. I do remember that going over my grandparents' house, it was very rare and they had a black cat and it was a mean black cat and they always had nuts and they always had cheese, always the good stuff.
Speaker 1:And it's funny how you remember some like random stuff, just random.
Speaker 2:I don't really remember them. I just remember what their house was like and that's and we would have to go in the back room and they had this stationary bike with a TV and a bed back there and that was kind of where we had to hang out whenever we went over there and that was pretty much it. My grandmother passed away when I was I was in second grade and then my grandfather. I didn't have a relationship with him at all and so he got sick when I was more in like in my 20s and he went to go live with my dad for a while before they put him in a nursing home and he passed away.
Speaker 1:Did you get to see that?
Speaker 2:I did not, no, no, I didn't. So I didn't really have a grandparents that I could really call on and build a relationship with.
Speaker 1:But you have a couple of those mental Polaroids I got some Polaroids. Yeah, because I mean, when you talk about the cheese, the plastic on the couches.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I got some.
Speaker 1:Polaroids or the exercise bike. You know the crazy thing about them, thing about them. You will never forget that.
Speaker 2:No. Even now, 37 years later, I still remember that. I still remember that.
Speaker 1:You will be 90 years old talking about the cheese, the nuts, the exercise. It was good cheese, you know listen, I don't know.
Speaker 2:They had that good deli cheese and they had all different types. It was delicious. Did they have the?
Speaker 1:pickles, jelly cheese and they had all different types. It was delicious. Did they have the pickles? I know a lot of grandparents always had the pickles?
Speaker 2:No, they didn't have pickles. I don't remember them having pickles. They did have a lot of walnuts, though.
Speaker 1:What was that about? Did we stop getting walnuts? Did people stop doing that? Or do you got to reach a certain age before you do that? I mean, why get them?
Speaker 2:home when you can just buy them in a bag. You know, they old school, they want to just sit and kick their feet up and crack them open. Crack them open yeah.
Speaker 1:It was an active snack.
Speaker 2:It was an active snack yeah. I'm not into the active snack, maybe while they was reading the paper or something, I don't know.
Speaker 1:I no. So so let's get down to if our grandfathers? We didn't really have that experience. You have a couple polar words, which is great. What about our fathers? Um, you know, our direct experience with julius floyd and dennis cummings, you know, was our. What was our relationships like and our experience. You want to go first or you want me to go first?
Speaker 2:I can go first, so I was the only girl.
Speaker 1:My mom, and that's huge.
Speaker 2:That's huge. My mom had three kids. My sister had a different father from us we have a 10 year age difference and then my brother came first and then me. So came um first and then me. So you're the baby, I'm the baby of my mom's kids, yeah, and then um. Well, actually my father had another child before he met my mom. He had a son and then him and my mom separated and he got remarried and then I had two more brothers. So, um, still the baby, and I don't really have very many memories of my dad. Still the only girl. Still the only girl.
Speaker 1:That's huge.
Speaker 2:I don't have a lot of memories of us being together as a family. I have just like a couple, but not anything significant.
Speaker 1:So how old were you when they broke up?
Speaker 2:I was about seven, so it was right after my birthday I had a really big birthday party. We had just moved out to Maple Heights, maple Maple.
Speaker 2:It was the summer of 88. We moved out to Maple Heights. I had a really big party and shortly after that my parents separated and I actually seen my dad leave. So it was literally like an argument and he took some clothes. I guess my, my grandmother gave my mom a lot of like beautiful dresses that he took with them and left. I remember that, I remember that. And then I remember right after my mom just went ham and just working and making sure she get the bills and things paid, he kind of came around a little bit just sporadically and then as I was coming up he would come around if we called.
Speaker 2:So it was more of a. You know, if you need something, call me, but not like on demand.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it wasn't like a formal relationship I want to come because I want to see you guys, type of thing. You know it would be like the visitations, because you know of course that was in place. But it was a lot of times where we send in the driveway with our suitcases just kind of waiting for dad to come, late nights, some times where we went over there and my brother was more so interested in going than I was, because it was just kind of weird for me. You know, um, this is new family, this new woman, these other kids and, um, you know he married someone who or she had a son and then they had more together. So it was just a little awkward for me. So I really wasn't kind of interested in the whole going to see dad thing, unless you know it was kind of like a once, once or twice a year. He would come by and kind of hang out for a little bit now, that's one thing I want to.
Speaker 1:That you mentioned is that, with you being the only girl, and then there's boys, and then there's more boys, and then there's your dad. It's like when, when your brother wanted to go over there maybe it was because the environment was more his vibe, you know and there there wasn't a lot of concessions made to make it feel like a place where you wanted to be.
Speaker 2:No, I was not interested, like at all. I just didn't feel I didn't want to go. I was very clear with my mom about that and she was very you know, that's your decision. If you don't want to go, then you don't have to. So I didn't know, I didn't go. And you know the funny thing is my my sister says you know, it's so unfortunate that you and your dad don't have a closer relationship because he was crazy about you when you were a little girl.
Speaker 2:Wow, he always wanted a girl and he was so crazy about you, so it it almost breaks my heart to kind of see that you guys don't have a stronger relationship than what you do.
Speaker 1:How does that make you feel to hear that it's?
Speaker 2:a little sad, you know cause I mean it's not like it's lack of effort on my part, but you know, I mean it is what it is. You know some people. You just got to meet them where they are and love them from a distance.
Speaker 1:Have you, have you been to really like sit down and just kind?
Speaker 2:of really say who is my dad and why would he be like that, to try to understand him and his shortcomings. So, um, I want to say it was right after we got married, because my dad was a part of our wedding, he um him and my mom walked me down. I wanted to give him the opportunity. Even though he wasn't there, I still wanted to give him that opportunity to be able to walk me down. So it was a a shared walk.
Speaker 1:And it was a great day.
Speaker 2:It was a wonderful day. He came around a lot more after that, especially after honor was born, and he really kind of told me stories about how him my mom met and when they separated and him and his childhood and growing up. So I got to learn a lot about who he was and kind of understand some of the decisions that he's made. I think that really kind of changed my thought process on how I viewed him.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So what is it like now? What does it feel like for you now?
Speaker 2:You know I love my dad. I don't see him often still. I mean, it was a point last year, year before we would just kind of pop up over his house, because you know it was like.
Speaker 2:You know, we don't really know, um you just kind of pop up over there just to kind of see him back when he was working. We would just kind of pop up over. He's retired now but um, you know, like I've seen him quite a few times this year and um you know I always shoot him a text, or you know, try to spend some time with him I think it's dope that you set up some time and schedule time to go do things that he likes.
Speaker 1:You reached out to. You know, go to bingo with him. My dad is an avid bingo player.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, I I realized that I'm not gonna be, I'm not gonna get those kinds of calls, I'm not gonna get those. Hey, I want to come'm not going to get those, hey, I want to come over and see you guys. That's, that may never happen. It hasn't happened and it may never happen, and so that's kind of my cross. You know, I have to be able to understand that, you know, and I and I, and one of the things I also noticed is that when he does come around, he's really nervous.
Speaker 2:And so, you know, I just really try to love on him because I don't really know where he is mentally by coming over here and spending time with us, because he doesn't see us that much. He has grandchildren, he has a son-in-law, he has, you know, this daughter that he didn't really get a chance to spend much time with. So I don't really know how he feels when he comes here. So I just really try to love on him and make him feel welcome. He feels when he comes here, so I just really try to love on him and make him feel welcome. But it's usually by invite and so, you know, I just really try to just extend myself.
Speaker 2:Sometimes, you know, I kind of feel some kind of way about it. I kind of feel like you know, why do I have to put forth all of this effort just to see my dad? And then I'm just like you know what, god only he blessed me with one father, and you know I'm supposed to honor him, whether I want to or not, whether I, you know, cause sometimes it's really just about having grace and sometimes I don't feel like it. Sometimes I'm just like you know what, no, I should have a dad that calls me. I should have a dad that wants to come see me and be present in his grandkids life.
Speaker 2:But at the end of the day, that's not what I have. And I still love him because he's my father and um, and I think that deep down inside he, he wants to do those things, but it, you know, I don't know what, what is going on with him, and so I'm gonna love him from afar. And, you know, on those times where it's like, hey, I want to see you on a, you know, spend some time with you, we'll do that, we'll go and we'll schedule time to see him. And you know, just do that. I, you know, it was a remember when I told him that we were getting married. He, he told me that.
Speaker 2:And this was after we got married, when we sat down and talked and he told me, he said you know, it messed me up to hear that you were getting married. Because here it is. I'm supposed to be the person that you fall in love with first and I've been gone for so long and you done met somebody and you done found that love and I didn't even get a chance to show you what that looked like and that hurt my heart so much because, it's true. But you know, in the midst of that, I'm thankful to God for placing such an amazing person in my life to give me that love, to love me, you know, and fill those gaps. And you know, just God's love fills those gaps. So, um, yeah, I thought I just was like wow, okay.
Speaker 1:I think that's a word. Man, wow, that's really good. That's a. I think that's a testimony to forgiveness yeah. I think you do a great job with it. I like the fact that you said you know I should, or I wish I had a parent like blah blah blah, but I don't.
Speaker 2:I don't.
Speaker 1:I have this, so it's like I think that's something a lot of people can take note to, because they feel the same way.
Speaker 2:You know, we can sit and harp on what we could have, should have, would have, wish we had, yeah, but we got what we got and I have my moments, you know, but at the end of the day I have, I'm grateful for what I have.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I'm okay with that, you know you just, it's about boundaries and setting those boundaries and not you know you got to be comfortable with where you are before you go, reach out to people and you know, meet them where they are.
Speaker 1:What does that look like to have some boundaries? I know that's something I mean. We all struggle with boundaries, like. What does that look like, though? How do we do that?
Speaker 2:You know, I don't know. I guess maybe it's easy for me to do it from afar.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because when I see him you know it's all love and it's. You know it's kind of like a bittersweet thing because it's like man, I feel so good hanging out with you and being here with you. But you know, sometimes it's kind of like OK, so when is the next time it's? Going to happen. You know like OK, am I going to talk to you in another month or so.
Speaker 1:You know, one thing I noticed, and I think you touched on it and I think is really kind of pertinent to the story, is you know you said when he comes around he's nervous, and you know he also is not nervous to talk to me.
Speaker 2:No. Or to talk to dudes, you know, to talk to Speed or talk to somebody else, or even my brother, or maybe not even his kids or my sister.
Speaker 1:So I think you know, and like you said, maybe, and like you said your sister alluded to is, you know, you his only girl. I wonder if he has feelings of inadequacy, of not being good enough you know what I mean and maybe he feels nervous. I don't know how to do this. How do you parent a girl? Maybe he doesn't, maybe he feels that. Maybe that's the root of that nervousness, I wonder.
Speaker 2:I don't know, Maybe you know, one of the things that I'm always conscious of is to make sure I give him a really big hug and tell him I love him. And that really big hug and tell him I love him and that I'm so happy to see him and I'm so happy he came and.
Speaker 2:I do that when I see him and when I leave, yeah, just to let him know, like you know, everything to happen, all of that stuff to happen. Let's just really celebrate this moment that we have together, you know, because I love it, we can move on to the next.
Speaker 2:I don't know if I'm gonna see you tomorrow, so let's just celebrate what we have right here and let's end it on a good note. And, you know, let that be our last memory together, so that way, if we see each other again next time, we can build a new memory. Let's build these memories now. Let's not focus on all of this stuff that happened back in the past, because, granted, it's built me, it's shaped us both and it has a lot to do with how our relationship is, because there's times when we see each other and we don't have much to say, but we're spending that time spending that time and you know, maybe next time we'll have more, there'll be more for us to build on.
Speaker 2:So, just being intentional, says something real powerful.
Speaker 1:You said it shaped you. How do you think that affected you? Relationship wise.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, you know, not having your dad around is a lot of rejection in that, you know, especially if you're reaching out and there's, you know I'm not getting a reach back. So it's a lot of rejection in that. It's a lot of no trust. I have no trust. I don't need. I don't take you for your word. I don't believe you. You got to show me. Your actions need to show Cause. You know you could say you got better.
Speaker 1:But when we first met, it was like bruh, bruh, but no, I mean, but I mean. Isn't that the story?
Speaker 2:of a lot of women, though, I'm saying no, your father. I mean, you know you have that love from your mother, but your father is the first person that's going to show you what a relationship, what type of man, you potentially want to be with when you get older. Give you a sense of protection. Give you a sense of protection, give you that security that they give you all of the things, the characteristics that you want to hopefully see and find in the person that you grow up to marry, and I didn't have that.
Speaker 2:What I did have was what I didn't want, okay. So I know that he said he ain't. He said he coming and he ain't come. So I gotta have somebody who gonna be strong on their word, all right. So I don't want no liar, I want nobody that's gonna cheat, you know. So it's so many levels to that, so I was looking a lot for somebody like my dad the negative list. I had the list of I didn't want to, won't yeah.
Speaker 2:I ain't looking for somebody like my dad. I'm looking for somebody that is going to love on me and that doesn't have a face. Yeah, that's.
Speaker 1:That's. That's powerful man, you know, and I, you know I think I've touched on this a couple of times you know me and my father, um, you know, my parents got divorced right around the same age. I was five, except they split up when I was two months old, yeah, so I never really saw them together, they just went through that whole. You know a lot of a lot of couples just take a long time to actually get divorced you know, I mean that's what my parents did.
Speaker 1:It was like this is over, but let's just linger on it for a while before, really, we really put the papers in right so when they really got divorced, you know, usually and the thing that I've seen I won't say usually, but what I've seen a lot is the divorce happens when the dude's about to get remarried which is what happens for for my dad.
Speaker 1:You know, they just split up, went their separate ways and when he was ready to get remarried he had to go ahead and finalize that divorce so he can do it. And you know, for me, um, you know, my mom was a really, really, really, um, uh, I'm trying to think of the vocabulary word that fits in.
Speaker 1:I mean, uh uh, fire brand she was, uh, she was a firecracker, a piece of work. Piece of work, you know like you she. You know how. You know certain people. That's like the last one you want to cross. That's my mom, you know, and so he crossed her and so he crossed her.
Speaker 1:And so, you know, bitter, bitter, bitter, bitter divorce. You know so. She was out for blood and vengeance and you know, at the end of the day, me and my brother kind of suffered because you know, every victory that she got caused, you know, my dad to be further away from us. You know so. You know, growing up my dad wasn't around, but it wasn't because he didn't want to be, and I didn't know that until I was older. You know, it's not like my mom was like your father don't want to see you, but it was.
Speaker 1:You know, as you're young, if you don't really, if somebody don't really explain it to you right, in a really good, loving way, yeah, how are you supposed to know? All you know is you don't see your dad, period. So I just felt like I'm one of those fatherless people, I'm one of those people who don't see their father and I'm one of those people whose father is not there for them, even though my father would have been there for me at every turn had they not been going through such a rough divorce and him having so many roadblocks to that you know, so when I got to be an adult, you know my mom, you actually, as a teenager, I started making some decisions that my mom didn't really like.
Speaker 1:Like I got the child support cut off. You know, my dad was like, hey, you turn this thing off and I'll give you anything you want. You know, that was his big thing. Just don't take from me, right, I will give it to you, you know, and I did at 16. I was like, let's turn this thing off, let me see. And he was a man of his word and it was like man. So it started giving me a glimpse of if I open my heart to this man, you know, maybe I can, you know, have something. After all, I can have what everybody else got that I'm so jealous of. So, you know, by the time I was in my 20s and then finally to my 30s, we had, I really opened my heart to him and we got a really good relationship going on and I made the decision, you know, with the help of the Holy Spirit, because it was not just me.
Speaker 1:I was not mature enough, the decision was made to really just look at him as my father only At every opportunity I gave him.
Speaker 1:What did, did he do? And only judge him on that? I couldn't judge him on that. That whole stuff would happen with my mom because I, to this day, I'm 43 years old and I still don't know yeah, everything that happened. All I know is they got divorced. I don't know because it ain't really my business at the end of the day, because I can't figure it out. All I could do is judge them on what happened with us and when it came time for him to be a father, to me personally, he was an A-plus father, a-plus, you know.
Speaker 2:Yay, daddy Floyd, exactly.
Speaker 1:So I kind of got you know two sides of it and I got a little bit of healing. You know he passed away when I was 34. Actually, when we met, when we met. I did not get a chance to meet daddy yes, the week that we met, uh, my dad passed away on father's day yeah you know which is which is.
Speaker 1:It was rough, it's rough, but it's only as rough as I give it the power to be rough. You know what I mean. So it's just he passed away on a day. It just happened to be be Father's Day. But hey, it's Father's Day, so I'm going to celebrate him you know what I mean and shout out to you, because you always suggest that we go visit.
Speaker 2:Oh, we're going to see Daddy Floyd.
Speaker 1:At the cemetery every Father's Day.
Speaker 2:We're taking the kids, we're going, we take a picture.
Speaker 1:Even when it's been very rough for me, you still suggest it and it's always a great visit and I really appreciate that. Um, I know when we met you know your struggles with your dad was a topic that you did not want to close door.
Speaker 2:You didn't want to go touch the knob.
Speaker 1:It was not happening, man don't bring it up, we ain't talking about it.
Speaker 1:Subject but you did. Let me in a little bit and let me talk about it. And not only that you were there it's not like you was just closed door on father stuff because then you turned around and was there at every step for me, even pushing me to really get some real healing, and I really appreciate that. And that's one of the reasons I wanted us to talk about fatherhood, because you know all these struggles that we go through and everybody. That's one of the reasons I wanted us to talk about fatherhood, because you know all these struggles that we go through and everybody that's listening. All the struggles we go through, they're going to affect us and they're going to really hit home when it comes time for us to try to get it right ourselves, try to get married, try to have families and raise kids. All that stuff start bubbling up, man.
Speaker 1:And you got to really seek some healing. Yeah, you got to seek God. You got to really seek some healing. Yeah, you got to seek God. You got to let the Holy Spirit work on you. You got to seek counsel. You got to go to therapy. You got to talk to some people who have been through it. You know what I mean Reach out to your peoples, because God plays people all around us that can help us out with this kind of stuff.
Speaker 1:He absolutely does. So again, shout out to you babe, I love you.
Speaker 2:I love you too, and you did really great. Thank you for being open to that, because it's you know, it's one thing to say, hey, let's go visit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was willing. I won't say I was extremely open. You weren't Some of it.
Speaker 2:I was like ugh, but you went. Yes, you know you could still feel like, hey, I don't want to celebrate Father's. Day even though I'm a father. I don't want to celebrate. That's not a good day for me.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But that's not what you do. We go and we take pictures and you have your moment. The kids have their moment to really talk and spend time, and it's a good day.
Speaker 1:And listen. I want to shout out you know, just encourage anybody out there who's looking for their mate. You know when anybody out there who's looking for their mate, you know when you're looking man, do not men, women, don't just look for the person that puts you in a comfort zone, a person that gives you what you've always gotten. If you get something that's kind of pushing you to get better, talk to god about that. You know what I mean and try to get some clarity on it, because I know for me a lot of the stuff that we went through, you were pushing me out of my comfort zone and I ain't like it.
Speaker 1:You know, it wasn't fun.
Speaker 1:No but it was the best for me and I wouldn't be who I am had you not done it. You know what I mean had I not been open to receive it. So, listen, god knows what he's doing when he puts us together with people. I think a lot of times we ruin it and we run away because we don't want to get pushed out of our comfort zone. But God don't want us in the comfort zone. Man, listen up. Y'all All right. So we're going to get into a couple of things.
Speaker 1:The last thing we talked about our grandparents. We talked about our fathers. We talked about how our fathers have affected relationships and marriage. What about parenting? How does that affect how we approach parenting? You know, and I know, we have a I won't say a unique situation, is actually the probably the more normalized common situation, and that we have a blended family.
Speaker 1:And then, um, you know so, when we met and got married, I had a daughter from a previous relationship, and so you know that throws an additional challenge into, you know, being a family and building those blocks, and so, on top of us having issues from our fathers, good and bad experiences that we bring into it, you know. Then we have to start to. How do we build and let God move us past this generational type thing that we got going on, which a lot of us have going on with blended families. But so how do you think your experience with fatherhood in general? Yeah, as you grew up, as you were shaped like you said, it shaped you. How did it affect how you approach parenting or overall in our family?
Speaker 2:um, so I think that you know, with me not having my dad around, it really highlighted my mom more, and my mom was not easy. She still ain't easy, okay. Yeah, mary is, she ain't no joke, ok, so you know, she's a little old school, she's very, is a, she's very old school. Her, her, her mind frame is you need to struggle, I'm a show, you get that one good time. Then after that you need to figure it out. Yeah, don't come. Oh you, oh, you working now. Oh, okay, so you go ahead and get out there and you can buy all your own clothes and everything that you need, cause you don't. So I, I, I, I learned early to to figure it out and I learned to, um, to really not depend on anybody.
Speaker 1:So, um, is that a plus or minus?
Speaker 2:It could be both. Yeah, it could be both. I think that it was both. For me it was, um, it was a plus for me because, you know, I knew how to get out there and and and make it happen and, you know, and find me a job and work and pay my bills and really be good with budgeting and money. Um, you know, but it was also when we got married. It was a minus because it was like, okay, I can take the trash out, I can, you know, oh, we about to buy this thing and I'm gonna put it together and fix it myself and you know, I don't have to really let anybody in because you know, I'm I'm really so used to being closed off and handling everything on my own.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to let you in.
Speaker 2:emotionally, I'm not going to really do that Because I don't have to.
Speaker 2:I don't have to be vulnerable you know, I'm so used to being on my own and you know, not having to put those emotions out there. So, yeah, I mean it's both. You know really having to compromise and being vulnerable. Vulnerability is still something that I struggle with. It's still something that I struggle with with our kids. Just because I mean I didn't have that, I didn't see vulnerability when I came out. I want to say that I only see my mom cry maybe once, and that was only because we broke something and she just got home from work. She was tired, you know.
Speaker 2:She was like, oh, I can't you know, so it wasn't like a oh my gosh, I'm, you know, like it was a frustration. It wasn't I'm struggling, no, it no. My mom was a hustler. She had all kinds of jobs, so I got to see that, I saw her work, her work ethic. So you know, I think for me that's kind of what it's been. You know, with parenting is really trying to be vulnerable with the kids and you know, you know, really I think that I try to pour into them a lot because, you know, with my mom working all the time, my dad not being there, I didn't have that at home.
Speaker 1:um, you know, that's that's actually that's really insightful for me, because I do notice that you do that yeah, and I didn't know what the driver of that was.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I didn't have that. I didn't have, um, you know, stuff that happened in school or you know that wasn't like I'm not coming home and telling my mom about that. You know, I just kind of I would talk to my friends and if I didn't have my friends to talk to, I talked to my sister or I didn't have anybody to talk to about it. So you know my I wasn't trying to burden my mom with my problems, knowing that she had all of this work and she want to come home and she just want to kind of wind down. So I really just try to pour into my kids and really just know, let them know that I love them and you know that there we can talk. I'm here, we can develop that relationship, because I feel that it's really important to give that to your kids and, you know, have the memories of the first day of school and just have those things that they can look back on. And it could just be because that I didn't have those things, I can't.
Speaker 2:We took a lot of pictures, but you know some of the things that I like my dad wasn't there for graduations, any of my graduations. When they're for my proms, you know he would buy me something to wear to it, but he wasn't going to be there for because he had to work and he wasn't going to be there for it because he had to work and he wasn't about to miss work for that. So really just pouring into them that love, I guess, essentially that attention that I didn't really get, wow.
Speaker 1:That is, you know, one. That's why I'm really glad we did this show, because that's really, you know, I'm learning things about you as well and learning things about us, and it's making sense to me. You know, for me, I would say, parenting. In my experience, it was more of the lack of my father's presence that kind of affected me in the way that I parent, you know, in the fact that, you know, my dad moved on and got remarried, you know, and we didn't see him a whole lot. I was with my mom, I was completely attached to my mom, I was mama's boy to the 10th degree and you know, my mother was what they call an oversharer, yeah, you know.
Speaker 1:So she shared all of her vulnerability, all of her thoughts, all of her emotions and you know, that leads to what I now know is emotional incest where you have a relationship with your children and communicate things and thoughts and feelings to them that you should be talking to a confidant about, or your new boyfriend or your new husband about. You know, and she shared that stuff with us us and what happens is you become their emotional support, because the kid don't want to see their parent broken like that right. They want to save them right right.
Speaker 1:So what? Especially for when a, when a, when a, when a woman does it with boys, the boy then becomes, you know, his mission is to save his mom. So when he grows up he develops relationships that are looking like they're saving their mom type person. You know what I mean. That's why it's an unhealthy thing, you know. And even in parenting, what I try my best to grow out of is to have that type of relationship with our kids. You know where I'm oversharing or having a, you know, building a thing where they have a sympathy for me and what I'm going through, you know that's something that you don't want to do. So I always try to check myself to see and I'm going to make sure I don't approach this in a way that goes into that territory that my mom did. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:I think you do an excellent job. Because I don't? I?
Speaker 1:don't think.
Speaker 2:I've ever seen or witnessed you do that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think I was much, probably more prone to it when I was younger, you know, and my life turned around the day that I sat down and said what's wrong with me and why am I in this situation? Not, why did all of this stuff happen to me? Why are these other people doing? No, what's wrong with me?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And how do I go about fixing it. And that was really the moment everything in my life started to shift.
Speaker 2:And you know I really have to commend you for that, because a lot of people just kind of go through life thinking that it's something wrong with everybody else. Yeah, it's not. I'm about to go see what what's wrong with me and how can I get healing so that I can move past this. It's like these people around me just got issues, it ain't me.
Speaker 1:It's always something else.
Speaker 2:Always somebody yeah.
Speaker 1:But no, it's. You know and you know raising, raising children is is a challenge, you know, and we find ourselves in these challenges constantly, every season, every month, every week. Yes, it's something new. You in these challenges constantly, every season, every month, every week. Yes, it's something new. You know, um, you know we try our best to, you know, keep a christian blueprint.
Speaker 1:You know, keep the word in our, in our marriage and in our family and do our best, but this challenge is constantly you know, and the way that our uh fathering affected us is always going to be a a stumbling block, but it's not the end of the road, you know. God reaches in and says I can heal all of that because I am your heavenly father, I am the ultimate father, so I can heal all of that and I can even show you how what happened was a blessing and not a completely bad thing, you know. So I think that's the really beauty of it, you know, because God will turn all of that and be like you know. Let me show you how it all comes together for the story that I already wrote for you, yes, yes.
Speaker 1:That's the beauty of it all.
Speaker 2:Thank you, God, for that. Yes, indeed.
Speaker 1:So we're coming up on the end of our segment man and we just have a couple of questions. And man and we just have a couple of questions and um, I think some of these are going to touch on some topics that we already hit, but we still want to shout them out, because I asked on facebook for some questions. And um, shout out to charvez, who gave us this quick question vz, uh, she said I didn't realize until I was an adult how my father's friendship versus fatherhood affected me in the sense that he never made me feel precious and protected, he just made me a cool ass rollie For both of you. What is an example of some things in your father relationship that shaped your adulthood that you have had to forgive or reconcile? Whew.
Speaker 2:I think just not having a relationship has been what I've had to forgive and really reconcile with myself, because you know, I would have just had wanted to have, instead of it being I'm over here to go take you shopping one this one time a year, did I come over? It'd be. Come on, let's go for ice cream. And you tell me about how life is and what's going on, or let me let let me call you once a week and chat with you, so I would have enjoyed to have that.
Speaker 2:But I forgive my father for that I do.
Speaker 1:That's beautiful. That's beautiful For me, I think, the same thing not being there because, you know, as a kid I kind of put it on him and you know, I was actually blessed with an experience where my dad got sick for the first time in his life and he was in the hospital for a day and I went out and stayed in the room with him, you know, I pulled up the cot next to his bed and, um, you know, once the nurse came in and shut the lights down and everything, he just started talking, man, and he told me about my entire, like my existence. Like how did I come to this world?
Speaker 1:it was like, and I remember he called my mom Dorothy instead of your mother, he always said your mother yeah, that day he said Dorothy, and I looked over and I saw that he loved my mother and that changed my life. I never ever thought about that never even pie thought about that, never even pieced together that my parents had love.
Speaker 2:Such a gift to you. Yeah, for him to do that.
Speaker 1:So that moment you know, I won't even say I had to forgive or reconcile man the Holy Spirit put me right in that situation. It was like look, just look and watch and see the clarity of where you came from. And so, yeah, it changed me. All right. So we got another question from my man, ls, royal LS, sent like. He sent like 17 questions.
Speaker 2:We love you. Thank you, LS. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1:That's my man's, though. Man, I love LS man. So first one he said do you feel the negative stigma about fathers is changing? Woo, you want to hit down?
Speaker 2:I would say, um, no, yeah, I only and only. The only reason why I would say that is because I still see um. I see in the community of the older men that you know there seems especially like people that we're friends with um, that you know they're very, you know they try to celebrate one another, they're really pushing people into like fatherhood initiatives and, you know, really trying to build them up. But I want to say maybe with this younger generation it's still. No, I don't think so. I think that a lot of the times they're still in a position where mom, big mom, is going to take care of the kid. They're going to step in and do what they can and really take that away from the father Because, one, he don't want to be bothered or, two, he's not really in a space to, he doesn't have the wherewithal to do it.
Speaker 1:You know what I want to just piggyback on something you said earlier, where we talked about you being the only girl that your father had and you know the different approaches and how he was much more comfortable with the boys, with the male children. You know, I think that one of the things that we do a disservice with our kids is that whole treating you know so different you know, and with girls it's like we're so hard on them. They got to be so perfect. Don't make no mistake. Don't go out here, get pregnant.
Speaker 1:You ruin your life and do this when it's like when a dude go out, dude could go to, you know, go to prison, get. Get a couple girl pregnant and we throw a party for them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's all good boys will be boys and grandma mom, somebody's gonna step in everybody, step in to take care of it and make sure everything is okay.
Speaker 1:But when the woman makes those kind of mistakes, it's like Because the baby stays.
Speaker 2:It's a completely different story. It's a different type of impact.
Speaker 1:Ain't nowhere to run.
Speaker 2:No, you have this baby that you're raising and everybody's impacted by it where you know, know and they're gonna put it right in your face.
Speaker 1:They're gonna hold you to it the men aren't.
Speaker 2:They're not held to that type of responsibility. Now. Granted, it's a responsibility for both parents because they both, from jump, came out and said, hey, we're gonna, we've connected. So the moment that she says, hey, I'm pregnant, dad, you've stepped into that fatherhood role from jump, not when the baby gets there. Once the baby's been conceived, you are father.
Speaker 1:Is that a problem? Society wise, community wise like, because I mean, I've seen women be like hey, can you watch your kid tonight, a father being with their kid ain't watching them.
Speaker 2:But I mean, what, what is it? What are they going to call it if they don't see him? Now, I agree that you're not watching your kids. You're spending quality time, but if you only spend quality time every six months, once every year, I can't catch you. Now, on the flip side, let me not say that it's like that for all men, because there's some men out here who really want to spend time with their child, their children, and they're not. They don't have the opportunity to do that because maybe the mom is being petty or something's going on where they're really trying to do what they can do to get their kids and that's not happening for them. So I think there's just a lot of obstacles. Um, there's just a lot of obstacles and, and you know, until both parents want to step up and be parents and be parents, whether you're in a relationship or not, because that's not the kid's fault, yeah then it's just gonna always be challenge.
Speaker 2:It's always gonna agree with you you know, I want to feel about that, babe. What is your? What are your thoughts on it?
Speaker 1:um, man, that's a it's really a tough one in that. Um, you know, in this society it's just it's kind of commonplace like that and I do think that, um, I would like to say it's changing, because I do see some uh, some very vocal fathers stepping up. I see a lot of, uh, blended families, you know, fathers and stepfathers dapping up and taking pictures and stuff. I think the blended family situation has taken a step forward. I think people have you know, are starting to learn how to navigate that thing, because it's not so taboo and hidden no more, you know. So now there's more out. I think people are getting more mature about it but, I do agree with you.
Speaker 1:The, the younger generation of of parents, still got that that thing where it's like it gets dumped on the mother. The father kind of gets the skirt. You know, and I was kind of just talking about this on pinpoints or perspective, last week is the the mommy, I know where to run man, the daddy go man daddy out, man, and so you know, that's one thing.
Speaker 1:Hopefully, the young brothers, man, and you know we, I build with a lot of young cats and I got a lot of hope for them, man, because you know I got a lot of hope for absolutely, I do too, because it definitely can change it absolutely can. All right now. Um, this one is a unique one, he said. Do you see a balance in the son and daughter relationship, or is one more important than the other? So, from a father, is that more important for the son or for the, for the daughters?
Speaker 2:I don't think that there should be a, I don't think it should be an importance placed on one or the other. I think it's they're equally important. You know, the daughter needs to know who her father is so that she can learn the things to look for. She needs that love for, but for for both children. Their parents are the first one to show them what love looks like and they need it now. Granted they they may need different things from it, but they both need it. So I think that the daughter needs to be able to see hey, I have this man that she has to grow to love, you know, because she, she loves mama when she come out.
Speaker 2:Yeah they, they automatically attach to mom, so they already they have to build this relationship with that.
Speaker 2:So meet that dude, being able to have that and walk in that as they grow to kind of develop those things and learn what it is that they're looking for when they get older, what they need to watch out for, you know, have that security that they need. And then, for our young sons, they need to be able to see what a man looks like, what it looks like to love on mom, what it looks like to, you know, be responsible and do things around the house, um, and grow into the man that you're going to be. So I think it's important from both ends. I don't think that it should be an importance one or the other. I think that they, they need, they both need it.
Speaker 1:Um for me. On this one, I'm going to go ahead and say what, um, what a great husband knows how to say. I agree with my wife.
Speaker 2:110 but do you agree with me? No, don't say that I do. I agree with my wife 110 and I'm saying, if you don't agree, you are hilarious but I do, though I do.
Speaker 1:I think everything you said is on point. There shouldn't be a difference. I think we, as we touched on in the previous question, we got to stop with this whole.
Speaker 1:Um, you know, girls, this yeah boys that you know yeah um, you know, it kind of ties into another question from LS, where he said do you think chivalry plays, do you think it's a religious, spiritual or societal act, and is it needed from fathers especially? And you know, that kind of reminds me of the whole like daddy daughter thing. You know, take them on dates, take them to dances, and you know, I've done that kind of stuff and I do that kind of stuff. I think it's I. I personally do it, though, because I think it's vital that each parent maintains a unique relationship with all the children.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:It shouldn't always be the parents taking the kids. You know, sometimes daddy got to be with the kids or each kid, and sometimes mommy got to be with the kids or each kid. You know, I think that's just the way it should be. I don't really look at it as extremely a chivalrous act. I think chivalry and manners are all in the same thing. You know, I think that those come from how you actually get down. So I think for me, you know, taking, taking the girls to the daddy daughter dance is is not really teaching them that a woman should get this or a woman should be that it may reinforce a great bond between us, but the way I treat you- is going to tell them what a man should do to a woman.
Speaker 1:Yes, you know if I'm around here yelling at you or if I'm trying to hit you. That's what they're going to think is what is what love looks like to a woman and what they should deserve.
Speaker 2:And I think that it's really important that you say that, because you know, juliet has a unique situation where she has her mom and then she comes here and she has you and she sees, you know she's with us.
Speaker 1:And she see.
Speaker 2:So she gets a chance to see that, to see her dad in that space that maybe you know most kids don't have the opportunity to see. So that's really good that you said that, because it is important.
Speaker 1:And it's something I would have loved to see when I was younger, you know, to see how my dad got to navigate, I got to see it and when I was older and I pieced it together like, oh, now I get what he's doing, all right Now. This next one comes from a niece, a niece Marshall, niece boogie. She says how important is it for fathers to show their children affection, especially the boys.
Speaker 2:Very. I think that a lot of people come up, uh, men, they come up thinking that it it creates the soft kids to not show them like, hug them and you know, love on them. And I, I completely, I disagree with that, wholeheartedly. I think that you know you should. All kids deserve to know what that looks like. Pick your kid up, hug them, give them a kiss, tell them you you love him.
Speaker 2:Let him cry Because you know you're teaching them that it's not okay for them to have emotion, it's not okay for them to feel thing, and they're going to grow up confused and they're going to pass that on to their kids or their friends or whoever.
Speaker 1:Right now, men we suffer from, we don't know how to have affection no, you can't.
Speaker 2:You can't give a brother a hug or dab him up without him thinking, hey, that's that's so. We were at the parade the other day and, um, I seen this guy, somebody came up, this young kid came up and gave him a hug and he was like oh no, bro, we don't do that, you dat me up why, can't he give you a hug? Yeah, it's like, come on, come on we need more human contact, one.
Speaker 1:I firmly believe that I think that, as a people overall, we only learn how to touch each other in a sexual way. Man we don't know how to like. There's a lot of power in a human touch.
Speaker 2:Ain't nothing wrong with hugging somebody, man, the best gift you can give somebody is a hug or a smile yeah and it's free or even saying you love somebody.
Speaker 1:That's that's like. It's problematic these days, you know, for men and maybe even women too. You know we have a problem telling each other that we love each other. You know, until we go. You know we get our flowers after we dead you know, so I I agree with you.
Speaker 1:I think the affection thing is vital yes, very vital I think that you know boys need to learn at a young age. You can say you love somebody, that you can hug people, that there's nothing wrong with physical touch you know we need to start divorcing intimacy away from sex. Sex is not the only way that intimacy occurs. People overall need intimacy with each other.
Speaker 2:And you never know what a person is going through and what that hug could do for them. Absolutely that smile, that you know, that kind word. We, we are still human and we still need to be able to have some humanism and not really kind of make our kids feel like they can't express themselves because they just turn to other emotions.
Speaker 1:That's true.
Speaker 2:To express themselves, and it's just not fair to them.
Speaker 1:My babe said humanism, y'all got my babe throwing around the triple word scores on y'all. But no, you know, I think it's really plain and I'll end it on this. You know I think um for me personally, you know my dad, you know he was born in 1927, man in duncanville, alabama, and they just didn't grow up like that. You know, my dad was a really soft-spoken guy, you know, very nice guy, very guy, but he wasn't all into physical intimacy and stuff like that. He wasn't going to embrace me. No hugs, I don't remember ever getting a hug from him, except at my, my dad and my brother's funeral.
Speaker 1:And um, and I'm and even then I'm I'm kind of just blurrily guessing, I can't remember it. Um, but I remember the day he passed away I laid, I laid on him. You know he was in the hospital bed and I laid my head next to his on his pillow and just kind of put my arm around him and it felt so good and it never dawned on me that I really wanted that. I never even. It never crossed my mind. So right then, right when it was too late, I was like oh, I want it. I didn't even know, didn't even know, and I remember my stepmom looking down at me and I think she realized.
Speaker 1:You know, I think she realized because she just kind of rubbed me, rubbed me on my back, you know, and um, you know, it's just one of the things, man. So you know, I encourage everybody man to learn how to be courageous enough to love each other. Man. Ain't nothing wrong with that. No, my grandma told me, god is love, love is god. So, you know, ain't nothing wrong with love. Let god show, let god run through us yeah, ain't nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 1:So, um, on that note, I'm gonna skip ls's other 43 questions because we are at our time limit. Man, I really appreciate him great show.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much, everyone, for your questions, we appreciate it and they were.
Speaker 1:They were dope questions thank you so much I know I sent it all last minute, but we had good feedback. Babe, I want to thank you so much thank you for inviting me. This was fun you might even have your own podcast one day, who knows who?
Speaker 2:knows what's next for the Neonaya race. Who knows, who knows.
Speaker 1:So thank everybody for listening. Man, I love this show. I had a ton of fun Wonderful show, thank you.
Speaker 1:So yeah, that was us Five years ago, five years younger, five years, uh, less experience, but I would think we, we actually, and we pretty similar man. I think a lot of the things we say now we were saying back then. You know, I think god has just showed up and proven itself even more, a lot of the things that he was revealing. He revealed a little bit more to us now, but really good to go back and bring a lot of that thought. That was real raw, that was real deep and personal and vulnerable. So, yeah, next week we'll be back. I don't know which topic we're going to hit. We got two on the slate Either going to be sex matters in marriage sex or money matters in marriage finances. We're going to hit one of the two. Both of them are dope. Stay tuned with us right here on the Open Book Podcast. Y'all, we love y'all. Peace.
